(hmmm…there is something weird going on with the blog topper…anyway)…anyone who knows me, might know i am a bit of a freak when it comes to cleanliness…ok a lot of a freak!  over the last few months things have been insane to say the least. starting a new clothing line,  opening the store, health problems, losing the baby, potty training(oh!!!i have to write about that in detail, it is so great, and so frustrating too, and hilarious…but she is doing awesome!) anyway…the house has been my last priority, it has gone from messy to disastrous, to straight up getto nasty clutter junk yard motif.

so after a few days of late nights and some elbow grease…as i write this…the house is totally clean.(a rarity with two children. i often get one room done and then i head to the next one, only to discover that the one i just cleaned is messy again) as i was saying…as i write this, the house is completely clean…the way i clean, the last load of laundry is in the dryer, and  there are fresh sheets on the bed calling my name!

the best part is…i got my studio straightened up too, finally…i don’t know how i was working in it.  it will soon be cluttered again with some upcoming projects, but it can’t get as bad as it was…it was like a ransacked art supply/sewing store.  it’s too bad i don’t have before and after pictures…but…here are the afters.   oh, and how could i forget, it is finally kid proof…well ‘creative wild girl and  mom at the same time’ kid proofed.

aahhhh….and with that we are off the ocean tomorrow, for a whole week…i am so EXCITED!  i was just there, it helped me heal…and now we are going back as a family!  i get so creative when i go there…i wish i could stay forever.

i will post pictures as soon as we get back.

oh yeah, while i was organizing i found the pictures that i promised to put up of the shop, here are a few, but when i get back i will post more.

for quite some time now… i have been on the run.  from one thing to the next…as fast i can, never slowing down…not to breathe, not to listen, and not to…decide.

decide?…that’s right.  decide if the things i am doing are right.

people kept telling me after we lost the baby that things would eventually make sense…it hasn’t been that long(to me anyway.)  i am still sad, but life does go on of course and…well, if anything it has given me a pretty strong reality check.  it has shaken me a bit, allowed me the time to stop and think about what really matters in life.  i’m a two speeds kind of person, fast and faster.  the type to dive head first into what ever i am doing and start swimming just as fast as i can.  so when i took a moment to stop, grieve, wait…and listen i realized just what is important to me.

over the last few weeks i have been getting some helpful hints to get me through this, and am only now starting to recognize them…

hint #1

shortly after i lost the baby i received a little package in my mail box. enclosed was a funny musical card that helped me laugh for the first time in days, and a figurine.

healing grace.

i was overwhelmed with emotion…this captures EXACTLY…exactly how i feel.  with tears streaming down my cheeks i was gently reminded that although i felt like no one understood my pain…there is one who will always be there for me.  i started conversations with him…something i had been forgetting to do,  and as expected he has been helping me heal.  (on his time line of course.)

hint#2

i am sure not all, but most of us have had a fight or two with our mates….or maybe more.  well, while my sweet husband was trying…things just were not going well.  a couple weeks ago we got into a doozy, and in my anger i walked out the door with no kiss, and no “i love you, bye”…i was done!

when i got into my car i quickly realized that he had filled my car with gas(my favorite reminder that he notices me) and cued this song14-breathe-in-breathe-out4 (from mat kearney )…our song on the cd player.  (seriously take a second to listen to this song….the first time i heard it i listened to it like a million times!)

my husband does love me after all…

hint#3

the ocean…my sanctuary.

last week i left for one week to the ocean…alone. yea…for real, all alone.  i really cherish my alone time, and it is something i have not had for bit, so ryan said…go, take some time to heal…think…be!

to heal… it helped me do just that.

and like expected i missed my sweet babes so much, and could not wait to have them in my arms again.  they are the light of my life!

so while i am in no way ready to say that i am over the loss, i can say that this in some stange way has taught me a great deal about me…and here’s the thing…

somehow i have got it into my mind, that if i’m not running not chasing…i’m moving backward…when really if i am not running i am simply still…and that’s ok!

i do not have to chase everything…at least this is what will work for me right now.

with some really big opportunities on the horizon…and plenty to keep me busy, i will wait…and while i wait i will:

clean

create

love

play

draw

organize

pray

listen

think

&…be.

(because one thing is for sure,  i know once i do figure out my next move, it will be full stream ahead!!!!)