just a bit before i wrote my first post on this new blog i found out i was pregnant.  we were so excited, a bit overwhelmed, but really excited…seriously, with everything that has happened, and all the crazy things we have been through the last few months, this was such a ray of sunshine.  for me…it was a focus that i was unknowingly searching for.  we had been trying for quite some time…then we stopped trying and wham. when we went to the doctor we were surprised to find out i was almost 9 weeks along.  i had a suspicion i was pregnant, but i secretly did not want to get my hopes up…so it was really great news.

just a couple weeks ago i woke up in the night with the feeling that i had just lost the baby…i went to the doctor the next day and her tests told me i was fine and not to worry, but something was off, so i requested another ultrasound.  we had just  had one only a few days earlier and saw our cute and precious budding baby.  we even saw the little arms moving.  of course i instantly attach to a baby when i find out i am pregnant, but after that first ultrasound…it really becomes a part o f me.  so we had another one, but  this time the ultra sound revealed that we had lost the baby, the doctor said it looked like it had just happened in the last 12 hours.  the hardest part was knowing it was in me, with me unable to do anything, helpless, and the baby just there…still.

honestly i am not sure why i am even posting this…i have been a total recluse and do not want to talk to anyone…truthfully, i am pretty devastated.  it is hard to even talk or write about. there really seems no way for me to put into thoughts or words what it feels like…just…tremendous…loss.   on one hand, we hadn’t told many people so we may be able to get way with out anyone really knowing…on the other hand, it feels wrong not to express and document my sadness as a display of how much the baby meant to me, it is all very confusing, and hard to work through right now…

i have heard so many women dismiss a miscarriage, explaining that they did not even know they were pregnant, or they were not that far along…i guess i had always thought that if i went through one it would not be that hard, honestly, it is so hard…my heart is broken.  it is hard for me, i am…….there just aren’t words.   i love my children so much, and it feels like i have lost one.  the house is a mess, the counters are dirty, there is laundry everywhere, the dishes aren’t done, i haven’t done my hair in days, but what keeps me getting up in the morning is my two beautiful girls.  i have been spending all of my time with them, they are my safe harbor right now…along with my amazing husband, he has  been there for me in ways i did not think possible.  i also have thought of some creations, but have not had the energy to do them just yet…i am sure i will soon.

time will heal this…sometimes i think a good distraction would be healthy for me, and of course that would not mean i was forgetting, but we have decided to just take some time to think, and be…for me that is scary…

we have closed the shop except for saturdays for a couple weeks, and i am taking some  time to rest, but will be back when the time is right maybe a few days, maybe more…it is nice to embrace not knowing and just be able to heal.

there are some other big things in life right now that are realities, some new opportunities…that can be some big future changes for our family…and i need to focus what energy i have on those decisions, so for now, i am sticking to my new motto and am just going to…be.

i remembered this artist that i have seen before on etsy, Isabel Ferreira, and knew thought there might be something to describe how my heart feels…oddly somehow, this piece seemed to fit.

Last contact; 2008 by Isabel Ferreira

it may be nice to focus on re-tracking some of the months i lost during the interim of no blog…so my next few entries may focus on that, but i am not sure when that will be…to those who left comments…thanks so very mcuh for your words, give me some time…i will respond.